Sorry I’m a flake

Standard

Sorry I’ve been a bit flaky lately, just not feeling it I’m afraid. I’ve been thinking about then putting off this post ever since I got home. So let me level with you: I’m bored, directionless and miserable. Coming home from a trip where I’ve been moving around, trying new things, chatting with random people and just generally having a good time (navigating the Montreal metro, anyone? Or is it just me?), knowing that if my life was that little bit better or different that I may be exploring/studying in a different country-knowing it’s something I’d enjoy sans my social anxiety-makes everything feel a bit dreary. Traveling through all of these people and realising I’m always on the outside looking in, like I’m in a glass box, thinking it’ll maybe always be like that. Who am I kidding, it’s definitely going to be like that. Whilst I was traveling I heard so many stories of overseas adventures involving friends and boyfriends/girlfriends and I felt keenly what I was missing. I was even jealous of a group of Aussie girls who were working and traveling around Canada and also had a USA road trip planned-I just could help but think: why them and not me? Why couldn’t I have that too? There’s no answer. There’s no point dwelling.

I’ve realised it’s fine to be alone if that’s what you want. If that’s what you enjoy. And maybe that’s the reason it bothers me so much, I don’t want to be alone and I enjoy the company of a friend (not that I’ve felt that for a long time, probably since S moved away 11 years ago), what is it about me that people don’t like? Do I smell funny? Look like a serial killer? Have crazy eyes? Are boring? I don’t know. I realise I’m not likely to meet people whilst sitting at home cruising youtube for braiding tutorials, but even when I make an effort it falls flat, which brings me to my next point: internet friends. Some people seem to be able to make internet friends easily too, I don’t. No ‘oh I’m going to stay with Jade who I meet on the internet whilst blogging, it’ll be so exciting to see her!’ for me, is even my internet persona so odd? What is it about me? I wonder at how life must be for those people that everyone likes and wants to be friends with, you know the kind, everyone knows one. I know of three. Notice I didn’t say ‘know’ there as I don’t really, just in passing to say hi. I’m no-ones best friend, I’m no-ones first port of call, I’m just alone. None of my (fading, as I’m beginning to realise) friends ever call (or text or email) me first-I always have to initiate. It hurts when they haven’t bothered to ring you for 3 months but they casually mention how they called so and so the other day to catch up. One of my friends even moved without giving me her new phone number, I got it off her mum, she told me that when she’s stressed she withdraws……but she gave her details to her 2 other friends. Am I over stepping my bounds here? Should I not call? Maybe she tried to ‘forget’ me on purpose? She always seems happy to hear from me though and we talk for hours. I don’t know anymore.

I have no goals right now, my mum is pushing me to learn to drive and I just feel so ambivalent about everything I don’t see the point. She’s also been complaining I’ve been going to bed too early, before she was complaining it was too late, I just can’t win. She keeps asking me what I want to do, and I just have no idea, I’ve never been as aimless or adrift as I am right now.

I know I don’t want to live like this forever. I don’t know how to change. I don’t know what to do.

Β 

Vanessa

Advertisements

8 thoughts on “Sorry I’m a flake

  1. I know the feeling, especially at end of trips it gets worse I guess. And yes I wonder about what is it about me that makes people leave or make me a low priority in their life after some time. Today I surprisingly got a text from my friend that never initiates anything asking how I was. I responded saying I feel like crap, and was just sitting around thinking about my worthless existence. I thought that would get her attention but nope, she just ignored that and started telling me about her life.

    As with internet friends, I have made a few, just a handful, but I have yet to meet any. Hopefully I get to one day in the future when my finances allow. If you are ever in Singapore or in whichever part of the world I am in, I would definitely want to meet up if you are up for it. Plus I haven’t forgotten our Egypt trip too :). If you ever need to talk, just drop me an email (or message if you want to exchange numbers).

    I know feeling lonely and not knowing what happens or to-do next is not a good feeling. And fyi, my mom’s been on my case (about everything) too lately.

    • That sucks 😦 I’ve had friends ring just to name drop or brag…they could at least ask ‘how are you?’ in exchange!

      Thanks πŸ™‚ Same to you if you’re in oz again, Egypt trip for the win! I will! I use my email (and my blog) way more then my phone (which FYI doesn’t work where I live…..ah technology)….as a matter of fact my if my phone ever rings or pings when we’re out we all just stare at like it’s a spider or something, it’s quite funny actually πŸ˜‰
      Ah mums on the case. It’s funny how I should be old enough for it not to bother me too much but it still really gets to me…..

      Vanessa

      • Yes I know, I shouldn’t get bothered by my mom either but I guess when you’re living with them it’s a bit hard. I will definitely let you know if I am in the region again. Might have to go to a wedding in Melbourne in January, maybe I can plan a stop at NSW. Am trying to avoid the wedding though. :p Oh fyi, I left out in my previous comment, I do consider you an Internet friend. πŸ™‚

      • She’s actually upped the ante these last few days-I feel hunted! I’ll have to start hiding from her soon πŸ˜‰
        Cool, let me know if you’ll be around it’d be fun to meet πŸ™‚ But I totally get wanting to get out of a wedding….wishing you luck πŸ™‚
        Awww thanks! You too πŸ™‚
        Vanessa

      • Lol, I was just about to say that I was having some pretty good luck making blog friends…like UV up there! I have met a decent number of people from my blog/their blogs who email me and we talk about all kinds of stuff.

        IRL, I can count the number of honest to goodness real friends I have on 1 hand, but it’s quality over quantity don’t cha know? I also have my guinea pig and birds for company when I’m at home, and my mom/younger siblings only live about 40 minutes away so I visit them once a week.

        Have you thought about taking a class on something that interests you, Vanessa? That way you can get out of the house and learn something new while meeting others who like the same activities. Or how about working with charities/non profits? I believe UV does work with Habitat for Humanity, and I volunteer at my local SPCA. It feels good to help others, and gives you a reason to get out of bed in the morning!

        You don’t need a boy/girlfriend in order to enjoy life…you need to begin enjoying life first. πŸ˜€

      • Hi Tarnished,
        Yeah internet friends are really great if you can make them…..I find it easier to be open on the net somehow, I don’t know why. These last few years I’ve also been more open to meeting people however and whenever I can, it takes an adjustment in attitude from when you’re younger I think, not that its done me much good so far! But then again I really don’t get out much…

        Thats true, I’d rather fewer closer friends than many ‘acquaintances’ problem is at the moment (apart from my internet friends) I’m lacking in both to be honest. It’s been hard realising that my old friends are all but gone now and theres no rekindling how it was. And I agree, I love my animals, but they aren’t likely to discuss true blood with me……I take that back, I could never watch true blood with another human. I’d die of embarrassment!

        I have, I really have. I’ve wanted to learn to ice skate/play ice hockey for a while now and I’m curious about crossfit too…..unfortunately my social anxiety stops me from doing pretty much anything like that right now 😦 I’ve also thought of travelling, which I really want to do. but same deal with the social anxiety. Sucks.

        And your right, I want to enjoy life bf/gf or not, I rally think a few friends would help with that though πŸ™‚

        Vanessa

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s