Sorry I’ve been a bit flaky lately, just not feeling it I’m afraid. I’ve been thinking about then putting off this post ever since I got home. So let me level with you: I’m bored, directionless and miserable. Coming home from a trip where I’ve been moving around, trying new things, chatting with random people and just generally having a good time (navigating the Montreal metro, anyone? Or is it just me?), knowing that if my life was that little bit better or different that I may be exploring/studying in a different country-knowing it’s something I’d enjoy sans my social anxiety-makes everything feel a bit dreary. Traveling through all of these people and realising I’m always on the outside looking in, like I’m in a glass box, thinking it’ll maybe always be like that. Who am I kidding, it’s definitely going to be like that. Whilst I was traveling I heard so many stories of overseas adventures involving friends and boyfriends/girlfriends and I felt keenly what I was missing. I was even jealous of a group of Aussie girls who were working and traveling around Canada and also had a USA road trip planned-I just could help but think: why them and not me? Why couldn’t I have that too? There’s no answer. There’s no point dwelling.
I’ve realised it’s fine to be alone if that’s what you want. If that’s what you enjoy. And maybe that’s the reason it bothers me so much, I don’t want to be alone and I enjoy the company of a friend (not that I’ve felt that for a long time, probably since S moved away 11 years ago), what is it about me that people don’t like? Do I smell funny? Look like a serial killer? Have crazy eyes? Are boring? I don’t know. I realise I’m not likely to meet people whilst sitting at home cruising youtube for braiding tutorials, but even when I make an effort it falls flat, which brings me to my next point: internet friends. Some people seem to be able to make internet friends easily too, I don’t. No ‘oh I’m going to stay with Jade who I meet on the internet whilst blogging, it’ll be so exciting to see her!’ for me, is even my internet persona so odd? What is it about me? I wonder at how life must be for those people that everyone likes and wants to be friends with, you know the kind, everyone knows one. I know of three. Notice I didn’t say ‘know’ there as I don’t really, just in passing to say hi. I’m no-ones best friend, I’m no-ones first port of call, I’m just alone. None of my (fading, as I’m beginning to realise) friends ever call (or text or email) me first-I always have to initiate. It hurts when they haven’t bothered to ring you for 3 months but they casually mention how they called so and so the other day to catch up. One of my friends even moved without giving me her new phone number, I got it off her mum, she told me that when she’s stressed she withdraws……but she gave her details to her 2 other friends. Am I over stepping my bounds here? Should I not call? Maybe she tried to ‘forget’ me on purpose? She always seems happy to hear from me though and we talk for hours. I don’t know anymore.
I have no goals right now, my mum is pushing me to learn to drive and I just feel so ambivalent about everything I don’t see the point. She’s also been complaining I’ve been going to bed too early, before she was complaining it was too late, I just can’t win. She keeps asking me what I want to do, and I just have no idea, I’ve never been as aimless or adrift as I am right now.
I know I don’t want to live like this forever. I don’t know how to change. I don’t know what to do.