The important questions?

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What are the important questions? I guess they differ from person to person. For me my biggest question is, does anything I do really matter if there’s no one to share it with? Theoretically speaking I know it does, there are other people out there who’ve proven it, but I guess I want to share with others, I want someone to pat me on the back and say well done or give me advice on what now or what next. I fight not to lose interest when I don’t have someone else to share my interest. I need to work on that. I shouldn’t need outside validation to make something seem worthwhile. So I guess my biggest question, for now anyway, is how to feel validated even if I never have other people. I know this problem isn’t limited to just me as it’s been mentioned on the incel forums quite a bit, it’s a gnarly one alright a bit like the ole if a tree falls conundrum.

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Another smaller question that bothers me on and off is how I look. This will sound weird, but basically I couldn’t tell you if I’m plain, ugly or pretty-I look in the mirror and I can’t tell, so I go with the happy medium of ‘plain’. I’ve been told I’m attractive on a few occasions but how do I know if that’s true? I’m not about to post my pic on one of those rate it websites and it feels silly asking others for opinions. All I could say for sure is I have big eyes and high cheek bones, apart from that I don’t know. Is it worth trying to learn to apply makeup and do my hair if I’ve not got the base needed to make me look good? Do I look like my sister or is she really that much more attractive than me, as I see it? I don’t know how other girls know if they are attractive, I guess they base it on male attention……based on that I’m an orc.

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In other news I’m considering doing a tertiary prep course, I’m a bit unsure about it though as it’s a condensed version over 6 weeks instead of 12 weeks (as I missed the term 2 enrolment but can make the summer one)-maybe too much for me? And I wonder if it’s enough or if I need more. It’s out of state too so I’d have to move as well……..I’ll let you guys know what I’m up to when I decide. In the meantime I’m thinking of learning to knit ๐Ÿ™‚

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Vanessa

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13 thoughts on “The important questions?

  1. totallylonely

    Vanessa, I think moving might be the best thing for you! Of course, moving somewhere new means that you will REALLY, REALLY have to make an effort to make new friends and acquaintances – I’ve done it, and it can be a real effort at times. It was worth it for me, I was lucky enough to make some lovely friends (whom I don’t see enough because I went abroad to challenge myself) ๐Ÿ˜ฆ Weigh up in your head if you’re ready for it. I had been thinking of suggesting you at least move out of home, it sounds extremely isolating. And of course, the more used to that isolation you get, you could transplant yourself to living in a big city and still not meet people, because in your mind, you are so unused to seeing people on a daily basis that you may not even think to go outside your door to meet them! I grew up in the countryside where at weekends and school holidays I saw nobody, really – except the neighbours. I was bored out of my mind at times. But I found that when I went to college, I was so used to sitting watching tv and just mooching about the house in my spare time that I had to remind myself that there’s actually a world out there, and I was in the middle of it! I think this will really push you out of your comfort zone, but sometimes we just have to do that sort of thing or we’ll just end up existing, not living.

    So in my long-winded way, I think moving might be a good idea. But please be firmly prepared to push yourself out of your comfort zone in terms of meeting new people. Try meetup groups – you could even join a knitting group ๐Ÿ˜‰

    “I donโ€™t know how other girls know if they are attractive, I guess they base it on male attentionโ€ฆโ€ฆbased on that Iโ€™m an orc.”

    That made me lol, quite literally ๐Ÿ™‚ I often feel the same. How can you feel/know if you are attractive if nobody has ever really told you, or shown much romantic interest in you? I know women are told that we shouldn’t need the approval of others to feel good about ourselves, but really….we do . Everybody needs some affirmation from someone other than family that we at least don’t look like a bag of hammers. Otherwise, why would women bother with makeup or fashionable clothes? To feel good, of course. But part of feeling good is other people TELLING you that you look good. Gah, I have no explanation either. But I feel ya.

    • You’re probably right. The thing is I know I’m not likely to put much an effort in, at least to start, as I’ll be fighting bigger battles-getting back into school mode, figuring out grocery shopping etc-so chances are I won’t make a social effort for a while…….even when I know I should. Would you mind if I emailed you about your going abroad experience? It’s something I’m keen to try sometime.

      “And of course, the more used to that isolation you get, you could transplant yourself to living in a big city and still not meet people, because in your mind, you are so unused to seeing people on a daily basis that you may not even think to go outside your door to meet them! I grew up in the countryside where at weekends and school holidays I saw nobody, really โ€“ except the neighbours. I was bored out of my mind at times. But I found that when I went to college, I was so used to sitting watching tv and just mooching about the house in my spare time that I had to remind myself that thereโ€™s actually a world out there, and I was in the middle of it! ”
      That is very very true. I live in the country too and I too never saw anyone on weekends or school holidays……..makes you wonder if growing up in a city would have changed things. You do get used to being on your own, watching TV (or cruising the net) and don’t even try anything else. I know I need to push myself, but at the moment I sort of look at it as one ‘push’ at a time, like moving is a huge push, as is going back to school…..once I got those settled then maybe move onto a social push?

      I appreciate you caring enough to lave a long winded reply ๐Ÿ™‚ And I think meetup groups are a great idea for when I get around to it….maybe join a running group like I’ve always wanted to.

      I’m glad I made you laugh ๐Ÿ™‚ And I totally nodded along to your post-we’re told not to rely on validation but as human beings we thrive on it.

      Vanessa

      • totallylonely

        Well, maybe take baby steps – although each step is quite big, so maybe baby steps isn’t really the right phrase, haha! There’s no reason you have to immediately jump into a social whirlwind if you do move somewhere of course, take a month (or two) to find your feet, find your way around, get used to your new surroundings/new course of study while of course being nice and chatty to those you meet along the way. Most people will probably be doing the same thing. Once you’re comfortable with that phase, hopefully you’ll have developed some knowledge of what there is to do socially in your new area.

        Is there the option of communal student-type accommodation in your new college, (like the American dorms?) or do students typically share houses? I would advise you to try this type of accommodation rather than living alone or in a family home. You may love it, you may hate it. But definitely try it, it could be a ready-made social scene without you even having to push too hard for it! (but if you really do hate it, or it’s too overwhelming, your college should be able to help you find an alternative. Push your boundaries, but don’t be unhappy ๐Ÿ™‚ )

        And of course you can email me ๐Ÿ™‚

  2. Which state is the course in? Am I allowed to ask that? Taking up the course sounds like a good idea. Prep courses can’t hurt plus it might give you an opportunity to network. Trust me being highly introverted I hate networking but I find training/school environments tend to be a bit easier.

    As for the big question, I have days when I wonder that too. But for me anyway I usually just resign to the fact that I need to learn to just pat myself on the back and just decide things on my own. Maybe wonder day the situation will change and I will be able to share my triumphs and trials with someone, but till then just got to keep going, on my own.

    As for the how do I look question, I struggle with that pretty much everyday, so I understand how you feel.

    • Of course you can! It’s in QLD, coastal QLD actually. Yeah I just need to feel like I can do it if you know what I mean? I feel pretty silly most of the time! Yeah talking with people as an introvert sucks ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

      The big question is a bit of a white elephant isn’t it? It’s huge and takes up all your thinking space but no one else can see it. I hope we both have people one day to share with…until then patting yourself on the back sounds like a good idea.

      Anita I can assure you I’ve seen your picture and if someone asked me my opinion I’d call you attractive-I’m being honest. I know saying not to worry is pointless……but try not to worry as much maybe?

      Vanessa

      • Haha thanks, but I think i was born a worrier and over-thinker.

        Coastal queensland, sounds like a dream. Definitely you should go :p I did my bachelor’s degree at UQ so I am very biased.

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