Please bare with me, I sometimes forget what I have and haven’t posted on here so if anything doesn’t make sense just give me a shout! Anyway onwards!
Tomorrow we will know for sure if the farm has sold. This as I’m sure you can imagine is going to be a huge emotional upheaval-I have no idea how I’ll cope, there’s nothing much I can do though at this stage. It means I won’t make it to uni in November because I’ll be way too busy trying to stay sane, move myself, move 60+ sheep, 5 dogs and 8 chooks. So that’s on the back burner, I still have tentative plans for 1st Semester 2015 though-we’ll see what happens. It looks like my mum will be building a new house and she wants me heavily involved in the planning, so I’m currently pinning and googleing like crazy to get a rough plan in my head-at the same time I feel like it’s a bit sad I’ll help her do the whole lot then likely end up in a whole different state for uni! I won’t even get to enjoy it 😦 One day I suppose. I’m also supper busy with some bottle lambs at the moment so I don’t have much spare time to do much else.
I have this weird ‘back seat’ feeling, like everything I’m doing is to make my family happy because they have a future but I don’t……it’s a weird feeling. I don’t know, lately I just have lost all hope of having a social life of any kind. And that’s what I want really. It wouldn’t matter if I had a trillion dollars or cured cancer I’d still be unhappy at that base level that wants to do all these things and never will. I read this blog post (http://neurotic-dating.com/2014/06/28/therapy/) and he described very well the crux of social anxiety “The cruel irony of social phobia is; that which one fears is the very thing one craves. Friendships, relationships, the need to love and be loved: these are all contingent upon the very social interactions that we are afraid of making. ” this is exactly the point really: if you’re scared of spiders chances are the only reason you want to conquer that fear is for your own self worth, you don’t want to get up close and personal with spiders, you don’t want to marry one and have cute spider babies-in reality this phobia isn’t likely to impact your life. Now think about being scared of other people. It’s a doozy isn’t it? I see my therapist, I keep trying, I do whatever she says in the hope one day I might improve or even get better. My biggest wish is to just be normal. And maybe that’s a selfish wish.
I’ve officially lived longer then my late sister. Her birthday and death day were in August-I think of, and miss, her often.