I often wonder how many people understand what it’s like to be alone. My world of people is 2. I can hear people saying ‘surely there are more than that!’ but no. Not at all. There are 2 people I can call if I need them, both are family and neither will be there forever for various reasons. So. Yeah.
I know other people to say ‘hi’ to when we bump into each other but I don’t have numbers, or emails or regular meetups. I have 3 peoples numbers who don’t have a professional association. 1 I hear from once a year, 1 I hear from if she has some big news or wants to judge my life choices/plans, the last 1 I talk to more often but she never contacts me I always initiate. I have 4 whatsapp/email friends 3 from this blog and 1 who stayed at our old place as a backpacker (but contact with her is sporadic at best). That’s my social world. I don’t have Christmas parties or birthday invites or, well, any social engagements of any kind. It’s depressing. What makes it worse is I’m scared to take the steps that might gain me any kind of social life…..then again maybe I’ll just never have one no matter how hard I try?
My mum actually managed to hurt my feelings today, I’m sure she didn’t mean too, my friend (the big news/life choices one) sent a Christmas card to me from her and her new boyfriend. My mum has been on about it ever since, ‘I wonder what he’s like’, ‘she’ll be getting married soon, maybe you’ll be a bridesmaid?’, ‘she’ll have some kids too soon’ none of this was in a ‘whats with you?!’ way just a general statement of the situation……then she says ‘oh she’ll hang onto this one, she’s getting old, she’ll be worried about being left on the shelf. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, I even think it’s better in a lot of ways!’ from the women who was married 32 years. I wanted to cry, and not much makes me cry, basically I’m old and going to be left on the shelf. Not that thats a bad thing! Even my mum can see my hopelessness-and she basically has to see me in a good light.
Merry frickin’ Christmas y’all.