You are alone

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I often wonder how many people understand what it’s like to be alone. My world of people is 2. I can hear people saying ‘surely there are more than that!’ but no. Not at all. There are 2 people I can call if I need them, both are family and neither will be there forever for various reasons. So. Yeah.
I know other people to say ‘hi’ to when we bump into each other but I don’t have numbers, or emails or regular meetups. I have 3 peoples numbers who don’t have a professional association. 1 I hear from once a year, 1 I hear from if she has some big news or wants to judge my life choices/plans, the last 1 I talk to more often but she never contacts me I always initiate. I have 4 whatsapp/email friends 3 from this blog and 1 who stayed at our old place as a backpacker (but contact with her is sporadic at best). That’s my social world. I don’t have Christmas parties or birthday invites or, well, any social engagements of any kind. It’s depressing. What makes it worse is I’m scared to take the steps that might gain me any kind of social life…..then again maybe I’ll just never have one no matter how hard I try?

My mum actually managed to hurt my feelings today, I’m sure she didn’t mean too, my friend (the big news/life choices one) sent a Christmas card to me from her and her new boyfriend. My mum has been on about it ever since, ‘I wonder what he’s like’, ‘she’ll be getting married soon, maybe you’ll be a bridesmaid?’, ‘she’ll have some kids too soon’ none of this was in a ‘whats with you?!’ way just a general statement of the situation……then she says ‘oh she’ll hang onto this one, she’s getting old, she’ll be worried about being left on the shelf. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, I even think it’s better in a lot of ways!’ from the women who was married 32 years. I wanted to cry, and not much makes me cry, basically I’m old and going to be left on the shelf. Not that thats a bad thing! Even my mum can see my hopelessness-and she basically has to see me in a good light.

Merry frickin’ Christmas y’all.

Vanessa

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7 thoughts on “You are alone

  1. totallylonely

    My ‘contact list’ consists of my family, and basically one other person. So I get what you mean. Last year I went to a cousin’s wedding, and I genuinely can’t remember when, before that, I last went to an ‘occasion’ as such, like a party, get-together, wedding, etc. I *think* the last wedding I went to (before last year’s one) was my brothers wedding, 15 years ago!!! I have never gone on a weekend away with anybody, (which is apparently unheard of in this day and age) I don’t have a social circle to have Christmas parties to go to, and one of the girls I work with turned 30 during the year, had a party – and didn’t invite me. She did, however invite the other girls we work with. I had an awkward conversation with one of our other workmates thusly: ‘are you going to X’s party?’ …
    ‘Nope’.
    ‘Aww, why not? It’ll be fun’
    ‘Umm, I haven’t been invited’.
    ‘….Oh.’
    *awkward silence*

    Most of me didn’t give a crap about not being invited, but a small part of me did. Because I’m older than the rest of them, single, no kids, no partner and a completely closed book about my personal/love live, I’m not part of the gang, so to speak.

    But I digress. I thought about this earlier on: I think, to the best of my recollection, that I have been on ONE night out this year. ONE. And that was a date that really had no potential (remember Craigslist guy??). So from last Christmas to now, ONE social night out. And I live in a city, surrounded by people, but lonelier than Tom Hanks in ‘Castaway’. At least he had Wilson.

    Please don’t end up like me. You’re a lot younger than me, take advantage of that. Move out of home, move to a bigger town, join meetup.com, start online dating. Buy a paddleboard πŸ™‚ But please, DO something….

    • Ah sounds like my life! And I’m on it 100%, it’s really hard/scary and sometimes I want to slap myself……..I’m just that frustrating LOL
      Please add me to your contact list…..I know I’m not much use if your car won’t start, being in a different country and all, but I’m always up to talk. About anything really (favourite colour anyone?).
      So yeah, just drop me an email and tell mw whats happening won’t you?
      Merry christmas πŸ˜‰
      Vanessa

  2. My social like is my family, cousin and a handful of friends that I meet up with once in a while. I am sure when you start classes/uni your social situation will change a little. Highly doubt you will be left “on the shelf” but if you do I will be there with you πŸ˜€

    • ‘what are you doing this weekend?!’ me ‘ummm hanging out with my mum?’ them ‘oh.’ LOL
      Maybe it will I’m so damn shy though I think I appear a bit hostile and unapproachable…….I just have to remind myself that social isn’t the only reason I’m going-living overseas is on big reason.
      *waves finger* nope I won’t get off the shelf unless you do too. It’s like a rule I’ve made πŸ˜‰
      Vanessa

  3. As someone used to working and living mostly alone I can sympathise. Every morning brings the same question ‘Why get up?’

    We should be thankful that we have any contacts to confide in and actually none of us are truly alone even if it feels like it sometimes. πŸ™‚

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