We’re about to go into 2015 and I’m still in limbo. To be honest I really thought what what was stopping me form doing ‘stuff’ (everything from school to making friends) was my attachment to the farm and my reluctance to leave. I don’t have that reason anymore and I’m still no further ahead. To be honest I’m still waiting for the other shoe to drop there I haven’t really felt all that different since we left……..it’s made me realise that I was just as unhappy there, that I hadn’t felt ‘home’ or content or happy anywhere and for a really long time. Unfortunately the hope that moving might be a catalyst of change has not really worked out the way I expected, I can feel myself settling back into old habits and it scares me. I’m still conflicted and worse I’m more nervous around people than I have been in a while-I can’t even seem to get a polite greeting out with out blushing, mumbling, looking at my feet and then fleeing at the first available opportunity. Not cute. And also really frustrating, I can only hope it’s just s knee jerk reaction to feeling so unsettled and I’ll move past it……if I don’t I think maybe a small cabin in the woods would be appropriate.
I’m chasing myself in circles, I should just try something and then adjust the gameplay as I go, but I seem too paralysed to make that first step-not only am I driving myself crazy (and also possibly anyone who reads my blog….) I’m also driving my mum crazy too. Damn it I just want to pull it together, I’m running on a clock now, I haven’t got ‘a few years’ to make a decision, I need to make one now if I’m going to achieve any of my dreams…….and here I am stopping myself. Isn’t anxiety grand? Making lives difficult since the beginning of human kind.
I’m beginning also to question the whole boyfriend thing. As in I may not be asexual but I’m thinking I’m definitely not as sexual as some people, most people anyway, I can see a guy and think he’s attractive (important note: the same way I can see a girl is attractive but I don’t feel attracted) but I don’t automatically jump to any kind of sexual thoughts………do I want a close relationship? Yes. Do I want a sexual relationship? I think I do, how can I really know? I don’t have any experiences or expectations to draw from so it’s almost impossible to tell-kind of like asking someone if they like spinach if they’ve never had it. I’m guessing I’ll need some sexual experiences to know….and I’m not likely to be having any any time soon. Maybe I actually need to know someone to think about those things? Maybe a fleeting look isn’t enough for me to get going? Or maybe I’ll never get going? Another confusing issue to mull over.
2014 in rear-view:
* nothing new on the romance front
* sold the farm and moved house for the very first time
* agonised over what I should do next
* went to Canada and thought it was pretty awesome
* got a new phone (which turned me into a rage machine for a few days!)
* got my first car…..still need to get my full licence though, I have my L plates
* rescued a calf
* rescued a magpie
* rescued a bat
* wrangled a brown snake baby
* started talking about travelling with my sister to Europe
* thought a lot and felt inadequate a lot
I’ve ordered a new planner for next year, I feel kind of guilty going so because what if I don’t need it? If I don’t end up going to school I won’t really be needing it. I don’t know really.
I read an article the other day about an 18 year old girl going to college who was going to play college sport too, she’d been living away since she was 14-while I can’t imagine that (I couldn’t see being close to your family it that situation….but maybe you develop stronger outside relationships?)-I felt so ashamed of myself for my lack of life, here was this girl who’s got everything going for her, who worked for it, and here I am to scared to do anything 😦
I’ll leave off with this song:
Which is both wonderful to listen to and thought provoking, it could be applied to any religion or clique really-the frowning down on others for being different wether it be sexuality, way of dress, race or just not being ‘like’.