Back and forth

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I did my placement test on Friday, I was so terrified I actually felt nauseous. I also made the somewhat silly mistake of focusing solely on the math part and not doing any research on the english part, you know like essay structure *face palm* I also completely blanked on ‘what does prestigious mean?’ ah, um, oh dear! So I felt like basically I did the equivalent to a 12 year old. I was pretty bad. And focusing on study math was a waste of time as it was mostly guess work for me, none of it was anything I’d looked at. On the bright side there were a few other mature students, although most were youngsters. The staff was really, really nice and encouraging, letting me know even if my placement test was bad they could organise bridging courses, extensions if I was having anxiety and free full access to the school councillors. They were great.

I have to go back next monday for an interview and then they’ll tell me how I did and what steps I need to take next. They did say that from 2016 the adult program will be longer as the government is changing the requirements 😦 So if I don’t it done this year it’ll take me longer.

But I’ve just been back and forth ever since honestly: can I really do this? Am I just too….something….to ever complete this type of thing? Will I ever be able to do high enough level of math? Will I get chemistry or be left feeling stupid? I don’t know. Is it my own mental block that is making everything feel so hard? I’m kind of freaking out. I want to believe in myself: sure you can! But what if I can’t? At least if I don’t try I can’t fail you know? And, yes, I realise that is a totally stupid way of thinking.

Which plays into the whole ‘am I being realistic’ train of thought? Is it realistic to go back to school, do all these steps, study overseas? What am I doing? Other people do it but maybe they are more capable than me. I don’t know. Am I completely nuts for wanting to do these things? Is my desire to go overseas a silly frivolous one? I don’t want to think so. I hope I can get there one day. But I’ve been having some doubts about just about everything lately. It’s not fun.

In other news we pulled up the old floor and pulled out the kitchen in our new house, so we now have no lounge and no kitchen.Oh and dust everywhere. Good times. I’ve moved the computer 3 times in the last 3 weeks. Our bedroom carpet was delayed and is finally (I hope!) getting laid tomorrow, which means I can finally put up my new bed and mattress. I’m looking forward to that, my current hand-me-down bed sucks in a major way. I haven’t been sleeping well at all, up till 12pm or later and then waking up at around 3am and tossing and turning. Part of this is anxiety I’m sure, but I’m equally sure some of it is my saggy, hot mattress and the fact that it sits off the headboard a bit making my pillow just sit wrong. Argh. I’ve been watching some home improvement shows for decorating ideas, I’m a bit tentative but I think I have some idea what we’ll be doing with the kitchen and also my room, I hope. One big debate I’m having is wether or not I want a desk in my room. It’s big enough for sure but I’ve never had my computer in my room with me and I kind of like my room being my ‘me’ space. No computer or phone etc, but maybe the privacy of having my computer in my room would be nice? I don’t know. I’ve been eyeing ikea desks anyway πŸ˜‰
Kitchen planning is somewhat complicated, we’re going with white cupboards and wood benches…..but there are still soooooooo many choices, like flat doors? Bevelled doors? Plank style doors? And what colour wood bench, light? Medium? Dark? And then what about the splash backs? Colour? Glass? Tile? One thing is for sure I can’t wait to have a kitchen and lounge again!

Vanessa

PS I had a dream someone cut my hair. Any ideas what that means? I wasn’t even upset about it….*shrugs*

PPS Happy Australia day everyone!

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5 thoughts on “Back and forth

  1. I am sure you will figure things about in school and studying soon. You still have time to decided, just take things slow. See how the interview goes.

    Oh and a google search told me this:
    “To dream that someone is giving you a haircut suggests that you are experiencing a decreased sense of power. You feel you are being criticized unfairly. Alternatively, your dream haircut symbolizes a fresh start. You are shedding off some unwanted aspect of yourself. “

  2. You wanting to travel the world is not silly or frivolous or anything like that! It’s awesome and amazing! And you are just as capable as anyone else. Don’t let anyone tell you different, even yourself. I understand doubts, they stink. Going back to school is a good thing even if it feels scary as hell. If you don’t understand something I’m sure the teachers will be happy to help, it’s what they’re there for. If you don’t want to ask them, google is your friend. I’ll try to help too, but I probably won’t understand it much better lol. While you’re at school, text me to your hearts content if you need to. πŸ™‚

    Good luck on your kitchen! Home improvement shows are the best! *drool*

    I don’t know anything about dreams, but maybe you want a haircut? Lol. Are you thinking about haircuts a lot? I started dreaming about ballet once because I was thinking about it so often.

  3. For me new haircuts tend to coincide with radical life changes or moving into a new stage of life. I’ve heard that said quite a few times so I don’t think it is just me who does that. The dream analyst in me wants to focus on the fact it wasn’t you doing the cutting. Maybe you feel like the changes are out of your control but the fact you weren’t upset by it means you have accepted that?
    When I analyse my dreams I tend to get a sense of what it is about by analysing my own associations with the elements contained within the dream. You know your mind better than anyone πŸ™‚

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