Down the barrel

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It’s been a weird few weeks. I go back to school next week, I survived my first term and pending a couple of results passed. It’s really hard for me to balance things, even if I’ve done what I’m supposed to do I feel like I should do a bit more and give myself a buffer-then when I don’t for whatever reason I feel bad, like I should give up. I’m trying to let go of that perfectionism, all or nothing attitude which prevails throughout my whole life pretty much-it’s hard accepting ‘okay’ or ‘good enough’ be it food choices or exercise or school work. And then I get this sneaky feeling, what if this program isn’t very good? Will I really be ready for university? It doesn’t help theres been a bit of scare mongering from some outside people that has left me unsure. Then there’s also the fact I genuinely dislike school. I wonder about doing 3 years of it, I know its a good idea but if I can actually tolerate it I have no idea. Maybe I’ll take a year off in the middle if needed. Maybe I’ll fail and won’t have to worry. Who knows.

I’ve had some hard decisions to make regarding animals, hopefully I’ve made the right one, but it’s a decision that will mean some extra work for me. Not the best thing probably in the midst of school but I had to make a decision and I did. Right or wrong.

I’ve been having some nerves about the idea of moving (not until February next year!), worried about looking after myself, losing my close family relationships (the only ones I really have), of nothing changing and just being lonely and unhappy and unable to go back.
I actually have plans with friends for next year which is both weird and exciting. I hope it all works out.

Basically I’m feeling all weird and adrift. Am I doing the right thing? Should I do something else? Am I helping myself? I don’t know. Seeing people happy and in relationships stings, weddings, babies and all those things leave me feeling worried and stressed. What am I doing about that? What can I do about that? The only thing I feel happy about lately is meeting my exercise goals, but I feel even they aren’t good enough sometimes. Be better is the constant mantra in my head.

Vanessa

PS Holiday went well, I’m looking forward to snorkelling again one day!
PPS I’m still on track with my c25k 🙂

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One thought on “Down the barrel

  1. 😦 Who’s been scaring you? I know it’s hard, but try not to listen to them. If you wanna go to school, go to school. As for the not liking school thing, I know how that one feels. It sucks. It’s a shame that you haven’t found something that excites you. I’m not sure how to fix that one, other than keep looking into different options. :/ Sorry.

    It took me a while to find something that sounds awesome, so. Seriously, I was all over the place. What would make you happy? I know you thought of being a vet, but said that it would take too long, And I understand that concern for sure! Have you thought about something similar? Like a vet tech or something? Would that be more appealing than environmental science?

    And the animal thing, do what you think is right and what’ll make you happy. I can’t remember if you said you needed the babies or not?

    AND it is surreal making plans, isn’t it?! But it’s insanely good, too! 😀 It’ll totally work out, okay? Because I’m on the other side and we all know I’m awesome.

    P.S.

    I’m glad your holiday went aweeeeesssOMEE!

    P.P.S.

    Good job!!! WOOHOOO!!!

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