They went there

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So last night I decided to do some late night google searching…..this always turns out one of two ways: 1 reassuring, yes there are others out there like me and we’re a decent bunch! or 2 depressing, people saying horrible things, talking about red flags, oddness and ugliness. But last night, oh last night, I found a thread on a random forum that takes the all-time depressing cake…….I’ve often thought how having no romantic experience in society seems to be extremely disturbing to a hell of a lot of people, they seem to find things like addiction or petty crime both more relatable and understandable, which on the one hand I kind of understand-lets face it most people start having romantic contact from around 14 and roll along from there, it’s everywhere, TV adds, movies, books, hell even travel is all aimed at ‘twin share’ so it makes sense most people find it hard to relate too, they just have no idea how it could possibly be so. But its not fair. I’ve never had a miscarriage or a bad break up but I can still empathise with people who have, why does ‘no romantic experience’ immediately translate into ‘what is wrong with you?’ why can’t people just think and realise that, sure, there’s obviously an issue but it doesn’t make someone a bad person!

Anyway back to this forum, someone made a post about someone they knew being 30 with zero male contact and there was a lot of discussion about how it was weird, how probably this person was a bit odd, maybe religious or just a bit weird in the head. Then it moved on to someone saying pretty girls get ‘hollered at’ at young and usually don’t say untouched for long and how there was obviously no ‘hollering’ going on here-this seemed a bit weird to me, just the way it was described, almost like girls were things and they found their value early or not at all. But anyway the comment that took the cake came shortly after…….’if women like that didn’t have families and/or religion they’d probably be serial killers’, um what? Seriously, what the actual f*ck?! What a disgusting thing to say, there are bad apples in every section, age and race of society. I actually suspect that most women and men who have issues with romantic contact do so due to being very sensitive. Socially anxious people are often very sensitive and emphatic-it’s what makes us terrified of other people, because wow people can be mean…..case in point: I’ve just had my feelings hurt by some randos comment on the internet. That comment upset me, I float around hoping that if people knew about my lack of any kind of romantic experience they wouldn’t think less of me-they may think that there’s an issue (I’m more than willing to admit that) and maybe even that I’m hard to get to know (also willing to admit I’m not the friendliest person right off of the bat) but not that I’m a bad or lesser person. I’d hope they’d think that, you know, my soul isn’t black, my emotions aren’t dead and I’m not planning murdering them in a dark alley. But maybe I’m wrong about that, maybe who I am makes me seem inherently, not just odd, but bad.

I just want people to understand it was a series of events (some that were out of my control and some that weren’t) that landed me here:

  • Severe bullying
  • Social anxiety that developed due to bullying
  • Isolation, I just simply wasn’t around people
  • Bad first impression, a friend has told me I come across very cold and severe (I don’t mean to)
  • Being sacred to meet new people due to ^

Rest assured at no point have any of my reasons for being romantically hapless had anything to do with a desire to become a serial killer. Or any kind of killer really.

I don’t even really know where I’m going with this, except to maybe point out that people like me who have no romantic experience already feel ‘other’, already feel like we’re missing out on a lot of great things, we don’t need people judging us so harshly on something that has no bearing on whether we’re good people or not and that, most of us, would desperately like to change.

The lesson here might be mine,

Vanessa

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7 thoughts on “They went there

  1. Well said. Back when I was in high school, some people made comments about how I was supposedly going to become a serial killer, for no apparent reason other than that I was incredibly quiet, had no friends and wasn’t friendly (all due to my anxiety). In reality, I’m a very sensitive and emphatic person.
    Unfortunately, many people simply can’t understand being that age and having no romantic experience, because although everyone feels shy at times, they find getting into relationships/ having romantic experiences a much, much easier thing to do than those of us with social anxiety, and I think most non-SA people can’t even begin to fathom how difficult it is for us. I’ve noticed that most people that don’t have SA take relationships (and friendships) completely for granted because of this. You’re right that it isn’t fair. There should be a greater understanding and recognition of our condition. It’s not our fault that we developed social anxiety, and if anyone else was in the same position and had experienced the same things, they’d be exactly the same.

    • I think many people watch crime shows that take great pleasure in saying ‘he was a loner, didn’t have friends’ what they miss is that there is a huge difference between being isolated due to fear (we want to connect but people scare us) and isolated due to having no empathy/no desire to relate or connect. Really big glaring difference there-one side are isolated due to being overly sensitive and the other the exact opposite.
      I agree completely that for most people it’s so second nature they just can’t get how the opposite can happen. At all. Ever. And indeed they can’t understand how horribly difficult it is for us, I compare it to them having to face their greatest fear every day.
      I really wish other people could understand. Maybe education will help, it seems a way off though.
      Vanessa
      PS I read your blog often, I usually don’t comment as ‘me too!’ seems inadequate…….

      • I agree. I think the whole loner/ having no friends thing is a way for people to psychologically distance themselves from the people who commit terrible acts, and to reassure themselves that they couldn’t possibly associate with anyone like that. Though I find it really disturbing that the media always seem to blame mental illness and/ or autism for terrible crimes, as if they’re the cause of the crimes. It just leads to further alienation and stigma for the 99.9% of afflicted individuals who never commit crime.

        Indeed. I think many people just automatically (and ignorantly) assume that people who have no/ very few friends and no romantic experiences must be nasty people. But people with SA are isolated because we’re so sensitive and concerned with offending others.

  2. Anyone who matters won’t care. I know, I know, ughhhhhhh. I find it hard to believe that I’ll find somebody who won’t care that I’m so effed up but maybe?? There’s gotta be someone, right?!!?! Right, Vanessa?!?!

    I think there should totally be more education!!! I never learned about mental illness in school, of course I didn’t actually go to high school for longer than a month but still. I only learned a bit about it in my college program and it was only an elective, not a mandatory course so only some people picked that class. It would at least be easier to let people know what’s up if you didn’t have to worry about them being like, “WTF are you talking about?! Ew, crazy person!!”

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