Euro trip, school and aloneness

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Long time no see everyone! Basically after my last post I was busy with final exams and then I was packing for my trip with my sister to Europe. First off I’ll tell you that I got A’s in all of my classes, in some ways I’m pretty excited about that……in others I’m not…….like can I keep it up? Was it a fluke? Is this just a really low standard? It’s not fun thinking like that but I guess I’ll find out soon enough which one it is. My motivation levels for school have been a bit low this last while and I’m not sure what to do about it.

Euro trip was really good, we went to Rome, Paris, Brussels and Amsterdam. We had heaps of fun, saw lots of cool stuff and ate lots of good food. Every time I travel I think about when I can go next, this is the first time I’ve travelled without my mum so it was a different experience-but I didn’t kill my sister so that’s an achievement! I think so far me and my mum travel best together but this proves I can still have fun with someone else. I have a trip planned with my school friend for January, it’s going to be very different again, I’m a little worried about how it’ll go but I guess I should try and find out if it works for me.

Then onto aloneness, from next week I’ll be staying on my own 3-4 nights a week. It doesn’t sound like a big deal but its pretty scary-I’ve always lived in the country, when I stayed home alone before it was in a farmhouse 7 kms from the nearest neighbour…..that would scare the snot out of a lot of people but I was so familiar it was fine. This place is a ground-floor flat in a city…..there are strange people and noises and it freaks me out-I hope I can adjust and get over it. I was hoping my school friend might stay over a bit but I don’t think thats going to happen……I have no idea how much is too much with friends, not having had any for so long I often feel my view of friendship is skewed by TV shows and movies-what’s normal? How’s it work? Hopefully I won’t stuff it up. I really need to get more comfortable being alone-I’m going to be doing a lot of it unless something changes.

Vanessa

Happy (belated) birthday blog!

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My blog turned 2 on the 10th of June! Thats pretty amazing. It seems like longer than that to me. In that time I’ve started to ‘get shit done’, lets do a list (because lists rock…):
* I finally said enough and stopped letting anxiety ruin my life, I started seeing someone about my anxiety and actively started working on getting better
* I traveled overseas, with my mum, and started to consider having my own solo overseas adventure
* I went back to school!
* I’ve stuck out 6 months at school so far….6 more to go
* I learned to drive
* I passed my driving test!
* I met cool people and made friends via my blog
* I made a friend at school
* I’ve made plans with my new friends to do stuff
* I completed C25K and moved on to 10K progression

It’s not a huge list, but compared to before I started my blog I’ve definitely made forward progress. I just hope it continues along slowly but surely.

Vanessa

Adulting?

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It’s been a crazy few weeks here. I handed in my Biology assignment, after it nearly drove me crazy. I had a strong urge to snatch it back form the teacher immediately after handing it over……..because I felt it needed more work. But my biology assignment obsession made me drop the ball on my other assignment from my english class. Dammit! In the end I asked for an extension, which I was granted, I still feel bad about needing it but the assignment wouldn’t get done otherwise. It’s another assignment type I’ve never done before and as such is causing me some issues and stress. This is the most out of step and behind I’ve felt with school since I started, I’ve been feeling a bit blah just generally and then this feeling that I’m a little bit behind is making me panic and feel even worse. And then exams are coming up in 2 weeks and I feel unprepared and worried. Particularly about bio and math as there are so many things to remember and I want to keep my grade decent. So there’s been a fair bit of stress happening!
Then on top of all that I’ve been discussing with my mum driving back and forth to school when (if?) I get my licence and then also thinking of literally being cold turkey first-time-living-alone in February next year with no safety net (mum will be thousands of kms away) and how that might not be such a great idea. My mum decided that it would be a stellar idea for me to stay in the city where I go to school for 3 days a week-no driving back and forth at night and also living alone road test with a safety net! I wasn’t sure. I’m still not sure. But once my mum decides something that’s usually it, and sure enough by next week we’ll likely be signing a lease. This is both kind of exciting (my own place 3 days a week, buying some house stuff, friend promising to visit and go running) and absolutely terrifying (being alone at night when people are around outside, handling doing *everything* by myself, being lonely), I have no idea how it’ll go. Okay hopefully.

I’m not very good at adulting, I think I fail the ‘functional adult’ test pretty spectacularly (my 17 year old classmates are more independent than me. No seriously), hopefully I can learn otherwise Uni and solo travel look pretty sketchy. I don’t know what I’ll do if I find I can’t function as a normal adult-it will be the death of many hopes and dreams.

Vanessa

That would be a no then?

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I’ve been pretty busy, and as a consequence my online activities have tended to suffer, the internet is the first ball I drop when things get hectic unfortunately. I know there are people who juggle blogs, families, exercise and school. I admire them greatly, but I’m not one of them! So I’ve been MIA for a bit and after this post I’ll probably disappear again for a while. But here’s a rough recap of what’s happening now and over the next few weeks:
*I’m officially in my second term of school! After this one is done I’m halfway.
*Math this term has been my least favourite kind 😦 Headache inducing.
*Biology is interesting but the exam I took last term was brutal, hope the next one goes okay
*English is going okay, I’ve got my grades up to over 80% which I’m pleased about
*Took my first ever driving test. Failed it due to a missed observation check. I didn’t cry though!
*Booked in another driving test, which I’m already worried about
*I’m still on track with my running, although I’m getting a bit bored of the treadmill! And I have some new broken capillaries to show for my efforts.
*I’m off to Europe with my sister in my school holidays

I have 3 assignments right now, 2 are things I’ve never done before (experiment and oral presentation) which is stressful as I’m not sure how to go about doing them and I’m worried I’ll get bad marks for them. The other 1 is my math assignment which is full of my weakest areas math wise so is stressful. I’ve made it this far and I don’t want to fail out or quit, but the pressure is on these next few weeks. Then I have 3 exams in as many weeks. So pretty full on!

I’ve been accepted into uni for next year, the uni I’m thinking of is not prestigious but it does offer the exchange I want in my program. The course I’m interested in is more a practical degree (it’s in a health science area) so it doesn’t rely on prestige as much as, say, a law degree but still I’m sure some would say go for the more prestigious uni even though it doesn’t offer the exchange I want. Any thoughts from out there in the blogosphere?

I’m very nervous over the idea of moving even though it’s a while away.

I’ll be sure to let you all know how I go! Even if it takes a few weeks…..

Vanessa

PS My blogs second birthday is coming up on the 10th of June! I’ll be sure to post something then 🙂

Better at life?

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As usual lately some things have happened lately to make me question myself. As you know I ran my own agricultural business for around 3 years, it just broke even, I won prizes and worked 14+ hour days, 7 days a week 10 months of the year (the other 2 were spent getting stuff organised for the coming year). It was exhausting. My competitors spread vicious rumours. I was always on the outer of the group because I wasn’t a city person who’d retired and decided to go into this particular field, rather I was born and breed country. People judged me and doubted me due to my age. Then I realised I would never have a chance to travel or go to university, and yes, maybe stupidly, have a relationship. Then my mother got sick and couldn’t help share the workload.So I closed the business. All the same people who’d given me a hard time suddenly came out of the woodwork to enquire why I was closing as I was doing so well, and to try and make me feel bad for ‘not working hard enough’ to keep it going. They also tried to buy my equipment. I withdrew and started about trying to build a better life. People still approach me now to ask if I’ll be starting again and why I quit, the truth is it’s always in the back of my mind to start up again-but I’m just not sure if the amount of work, lack of outside life and the petty backstabbing is worth it: is that what I really want out of life?
Then I made the mistake at looking up some of my competitors, they all seem happy and to be doing well and I think: am I a failure? Did I give up too soon? Are they better at life? Do people just like them better than me?
Frankly days like this make me feel done with life. I just am sick of always feeling like I’m wrong or I’m doing something wrong. But lets face it I must me, or my life wouldn’t look like it does and I wouldn’t feel how I feel.
So I guess I get an F in life and the worst part is I always try so hard.

Vanessa

Down the barrel

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It’s been a weird few weeks. I go back to school next week, I survived my first term and pending a couple of results passed. It’s really hard for me to balance things, even if I’ve done what I’m supposed to do I feel like I should do a bit more and give myself a buffer-then when I don’t for whatever reason I feel bad, like I should give up. I’m trying to let go of that perfectionism, all or nothing attitude which prevails throughout my whole life pretty much-it’s hard accepting ‘okay’ or ‘good enough’ be it food choices or exercise or school work. And then I get this sneaky feeling, what if this program isn’t very good? Will I really be ready for university? It doesn’t help theres been a bit of scare mongering from some outside people that has left me unsure. Then there’s also the fact I genuinely dislike school. I wonder about doing 3 years of it, I know its a good idea but if I can actually tolerate it I have no idea. Maybe I’ll take a year off in the middle if needed. Maybe I’ll fail and won’t have to worry. Who knows.

I’ve had some hard decisions to make regarding animals, hopefully I’ve made the right one, but it’s a decision that will mean some extra work for me. Not the best thing probably in the midst of school but I had to make a decision and I did. Right or wrong.

I’ve been having some nerves about the idea of moving (not until February next year!), worried about looking after myself, losing my close family relationships (the only ones I really have), of nothing changing and just being lonely and unhappy and unable to go back.
I actually have plans with friends for next year which is both weird and exciting. I hope it all works out.

Basically I’m feeling all weird and adrift. Am I doing the right thing? Should I do something else? Am I helping myself? I don’t know. Seeing people happy and in relationships stings, weddings, babies and all those things leave me feeling worried and stressed. What am I doing about that? What can I do about that? The only thing I feel happy about lately is meeting my exercise goals, but I feel even they aren’t good enough sometimes. Be better is the constant mantra in my head.

Vanessa

PS Holiday went well, I’m looking forward to snorkelling again one day!
PPS I’m still on track with my c25k 🙂

Well. F*ck.

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Ever had that feeling that things are going okay? Yeah me too. I did my first 2 tests (english and math), now it wasn’t a walk in the park but I felt I understood what I was doing and I felt like ‘okay I may not get 100% but I’m pretty positive I’ve passed!’, my new friend from class insisted that we should go out for my birthday for a movie and burgers even though it was a couple days late, I’ve been slowly but surely doing the c25k. Basically I thought things we’re going okay. Big mistake. First we got handed out a new essay for english. Then I checked out the biology revision test for next thurs, I thought I’d just glance over it a few times and all would be well, yeah that was not what happened. I looked at it and went ‘WTF! What is this?!’. It wants us to draw graphs and write hypothesis, something we haven’t done in class at all. It wants us to write a chemical equation and draw an atom, things we also didn’t do in class. Colour me confused over here. What the hell am I going to do?! Fail I suspect. I really wish the teacher had been more clear and said ‘we’re just glossing over stuff here, please read this and do that at home to be prepared’……..but he didn’t! So now I’m all at sea. And seriously worried, this is the worst anxiety I’ve had since starting school and I’m not sure what to do to fix the problem. Should I ask for an extension so I can study? Should I study for this week and hope for the best? I don’t know. I don’ want to fail. I can’t help but think this just makes me stupid, obviously everyone else in the class figured you had to do lots of research outside of class whilst I just coasted along oblivious. And then there’s the fact that my dad was so good at biology so I feel like I’m letting down the home front as well. To top it all off I’ve noticed a couple of broken capillaries in my cheeks, likely from running. I have my face lasered to get rid of them/control my skin (super sensitive skin which gets red easy) and now I feel like any kind of strenuous exercise is just going to reverse the process. Oh and my doc said I should avoid sun, spicy food, alcohol, extreme temperatures, intense exercise and stress. Then she considered that and said ‘but you have to have a life too’, well thanks. Bit hard though with avoiding all those. I won’t stop running for now, I guess once I have to stop I’ll just get it all lasered again-but thats painful and expensive *sigh* And I don’t want to stop, I want to be active and fit. I feel like everything I try to do is countered by the universe with massive nope.
I hope the next few weeks are better than this. I hope that I can by some miracle sort this test out. I’m not hopeful though.

Vanessa