Not really

My sister has a wonderful knack for making me doubt whether I’m doing the right thing. Like ‘oh that’s a great degree! No jobs at the end of course, but go for it!’ or ‘that has really hard math…..but I’m sure you’l be fine!’-I wish she’d just leave it alone really. Don’t say anything, keep any doubts to yourself please, I’m already nervous and insecure enough without any help. I’m starting some math tutoring shortly, so cross your fingers for me please, I know it won’t be easy but I hope I can get through it one step at a time. Then if all goes well I’ll actually apply for uni and, hopefully, go this time. I’m still not sure I’m doing the right thing, it’s not sitting entirely comfortably for me right now and I’m really facing am ultimatum if I go: University or the farm. I won’t lie, if I thought I could meet a partner here (or already had) I wouldn’t even consider leaving, I know what I’m doing here, I’m good at it, and theres no better place to raise a family (I’d still like to travel though)-but I don’t see that happening. In small rural areas people pair off early and theres just no one suitable. I’m isolated and lonely. But still I’m giving up my known quantity for something unknown, something I’m not sure about-where I may end up being just as isolated, lonely and miserable only without being able to retreat to my favourite patch of dirt, with no one around for miles, and think ‘wow’. I’m giving up something infinitely, undeniably special that I can never get back for a gamble at a better emotional life. For friends and hopefully one day a family. There are no guarantees though and isn’t that scary as hell? I think my fear of it not working out are what’s making me a subconsciously sabotage myself or make my efforts feeble and half hearted, at the first trouble I throw the towel in, say ‘oh well too hard! Not meant to be.’, and retreat once again to my miserable, safe cocoon. I also trip myself up with thinking everyone is better than me and that I can’t do ‘it’ (it could be anything from math to traveling on my own to making friends), I never doubt others just myself. I also wonder if maybe I’m not just too damaged and undesirable that I’m wasting my time even trying to break out.

Funnily enough whilst in Toronto I had a chat with a girl who, like me, was from a farm, unlike me, she wanted to go to the biggest, busiest uni she could find and was completely uninterested in the farm full stop-she was so confident, sure and also super excited (I don’t get excited anymore, I know whatever I pick is going to be long and hard). I was so jealous for a minute, why couldn’t I be like that? Life would be easier for sure.

 

I also get the feeling somewhat irrationally, that people just don’t like me. Sometimes I think my own mother doesn’t even like me. I’m always trying to be careful not to say the wrong thing, or upset someone, that I think I come off as timid and opinion-less-far from the truth, I just don’t want to argue or alienate. When a tough subject comes up I tend to demure, which somewhat irritates me, but I feel my relationships are so fragile a strong disagreement might end them. 

 

On a more everyday note it’s getting pretty chilly here so I’m about to invest in a couple of wool thermals and a pair of boots. Life goes on.

 

Vanessa

PS PS I’ve also managed to chip my front tooth…….for someone who doesn’t play contact sport and hasn’t had any mouth to hard/interesting (heh) object contact lately this is frankly quite impressive really. Dentist for me *sigh*